Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
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…anyway I thought that piece of hair was a spider on my shirt
Me, explaining why I ended up naked in Walmart
angel: what should zebras look like?
god: completely innocent
angel: ok
god: they could do no wrong
angel: got it
god: so paint ‘em like the hamburglar
The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?
I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.
I don’t care, the spider’s dead.
You’re telling me this life crisis is mid
My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car
My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.
I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.
They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
[15mins into yard work]
my body: yeah… no.
[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone
Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?
My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do you have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“No.”
My kids were very upset to learn that we are eating animals when we eat meat, so they’ve decided to stop.
Except for the animals that make bacon, chicken nuggets, and hamburgers.
Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”
If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.
my wife’s lover: what about your husband
“he won’t be home from the camouflage store for hours”
[plant in the corner cocks gun]
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
I love you Mario but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of
Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.
[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
grandma: you kids are always on your silly phones
me: *looking at her on the floor with a broken hip* listen do you want me to call 911 or not