Use cauliflower as a substitute for mashed potatoes, rice, and any joy in your life. You have no friends now, there is only cauliflower.
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Arguing w him is like playing Pictionary w/ the person who draws one weird little shape and just keeps circling it over and over and over.
I like my women to ideally be size 14, but certainly no smaller than size 12.
What can I say, I really loves them big feet.
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“MOOSE!!!”
“Alright, who said the Canadian kid could play?!?!”
BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later
A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.
Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?
You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.
given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)
If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”
My name will always be Matt.
Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
anime is so crazy think about shooting your shot with a cute girl you meet in a coffee shop and she turns out to be a corpse devouring ghoul 5 seconds later.
Bored?
Looking for some action?Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.
*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”
“Let’s not fight.”
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.
[after a few beer I get the confidence to use the word cataclysmic] the effects of the climate crisis are going to be [beer doing what beer does] catsarechristmas
Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.
*releases swarm of killer wasps*
– ATTACK!
*wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions*
– Hmm… time for plan bee
On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.
Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”
anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra
*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.
If I could travel back in time to before the pandemic to give myself one bit of advice, it would be to steal more stationary from work. Much more.
[Busy Diner]
Waitress carrying 4 plates: “OK now, honey. Who was eggs?”
Me (highly educated): “In a sense…” (scrunching up eyes to read her name badge) ”…Barbara. All of us were once eggs.”