My phone just told me my network was unstable.
Same, girl. Same.
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*Toddler throws sock on floor and bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
Toddler: Because someone took my sock
Me: No one took your sock!
Toddler: Then where is it?!
Me: It’s right there on the floor next to my sanity
Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.
I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.
Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control
Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.
Me: I love you so much
Calories: I love you more
Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.
Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level
I put the mess in domestic.
She’s marrying HIM?! TODAY?!
*cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*
How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
Our Ideal candidate:
-Minimum 3,000 years exp.
-Must have 8 PhD’s
-Speak Klingon
80 hrs a week
$7.15 an hour
Must be passionate about work!
Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it
Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.
I’m like the lemon seed that sinks to the bottom of your water glass and then shoots up your straw unexpectedly, trying to choke you.
Reasons I’m like Donald Duck:
1- Mainly white
2- Kinda fat
3- Rarely wears pants
4- Highly irritable
5- Hard to understand
6- Prisoner of the Disney Corporation
7- Genuinely confused if Goofy is a dog or what the hell
I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.
thanks auntie mary
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
date: i want a good listener
superman: 🙂
date: who can see inner beauty
superman: 🙂
date: and looks good in glasses
clark kent: 🙂
date: wait what the hell
Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
Interviewer: And do you have any experience as a carpenter?
Me, sweating nervously: YES I SPEND ALL OF MY FREE TIME CARPENTING. I’M VERY CARPENTROUS
Interviewer:
Me: I HAD FOUR RED BULLS BEFORE I CAME HERE IS THERE A BATHROOM I COULD BUILD?