The 5 second rule doesn’t apply when you drop the last m&m in the bag. If it takes an hour to find it, so be it.
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Buddhist Monk: thinking is the cause of human suffering so we must let go of the mind. This takes many years
me: you want to lose your mind?
BM: yes
me: and you aren’t allowed to marry and have children
BM: right
me: ah, I see the difficulty
Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.
I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.
*Me coming home after a frustrating day*
Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. righty-tighty, lefty-loosey
her: what?
me: what?
A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.
When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?
[First date]
Him: I love murder mysteries.
Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.
Credit card company called to ask about some charges on my statement.
It wasn’t a fraud check. They were just questioning my life choices.
How bad is it, doc?
“Well, you’ll never run again”
So basically the same
Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
if you ask someone what their favorite fruit is and they say “apricot”, get the hell out of there. it’s an alien that just picked one of the first ones they saw off the alphabetical list. nobody loves apricots
BECAUSE YOU SHARED THAT VIDEO EVERY SINGLE PERSON HAS ABANDONED THEIR CAR AND RUN INTO THE FLAMES TO SAVE A RABBIT. THE RABBIT POPULATION IS NOW SPREADING FASTER THAN THE FIRE. THEY ARE 0% CONTAINED. I CAN HEAR THEIR LITTLE FEET COMING THIS WAY. OH NO MY WINDOWS ARE OPE
During labour, nurse came up to me & said, ‘How about Epidural Anesthesia?’ I was like, ‘Thanks, but I already picked a name.
m’lady
Inside my chocolate wrapper was a quote that said “Hands are meant to be held.” It made me laugh. Hands are meant to be washed.
Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.
PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.
*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
lmaooo this was a legitimate email my sister sent to a college professor when she forgot to submit a paper whilst drunk at a darty. like can you imagine reading this with sober eyes????
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I don’t drink.
Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?
“DADDY THERE’S A SPIDER IN MY ROOM”
[sound of me nailing door shut]
Wife “WTF are you doing?”
Its too late for her now she’s as good as dead
HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction
ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told
My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
boyfriend: