I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.
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*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*
you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.
5: Whose car is this?
Grandfather: Well, let’s figure it out. I just got here and the car just got here. Whose car do you think it is?
5: Mine.
So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.
I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious
[Record Shop]
Me: Hi, have you got anything by the Doors?
Shopkeeper: No, we have to keep all exits clear in case of emergencies.
[Quiz show]
Host: “Stephen that is the… CORRECT ANSWER!!”
Me: “Oh my. I can’t believe it!”
Host: “Congratulations! You have won Who Wants to Win a Million Bears!”
Me: “This is amaz- what did you just say?”
Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.
[skydiving]
cute instructor: open your chute!
me: lol make me
what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing
Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor
If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it
The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
One time for my child’s birthday party, I accidentally sent the kids home with whistles in their goodie bags. I lost 47 friends that day.
I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?
Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way
HR: In the kitchen, you wrote “Say hello to my lil dough friends”
Me: They were donut holes
HR: You also wrote “I know it was you, free dough- you broke my heart”
Me: Yes. Am I in trouble?
HR: Of course not. We’d like to promote you from Janitor to VP Marketing
Ariel was a minor and couldn’t sign a legally binding contract. You’d think the king of the ocean’s lawyers could get that shit thrown out.
if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.
When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.
11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.
Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.
Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.
*shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*
Okay, let’s go to your stalled car and give this a try.
If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister
I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.
“I took care of your clown problem.”