me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me
student: professor?
me: shit
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“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.
If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling
all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man
I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.
I just told my boss that “STFU” stands for “Sincere Thanks For Understanding” and it’s REALLY important that none of you tell him otherwise
Me to anyone else: “it’s in that cabinet”
Me to my husband:
“it’s in the upper cabinet next to the fridge on the left at eye level. It’s bright green. It’s right there. IT’S RIGHT THERE”
Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*
Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.
I’ve been deep cleaning my house, so far I’ve removed 2,547 rocks 6,872 leaves and 4,925 sticks from my kid’s rooms.
me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS
wife: quit blasphlegming
santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations
elf: *holding only a hammer* how
When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]
twitter getting rid of the 140-character limit is a bad idea. the ability to say what you need to say in as few words as possible is (1/533)
As an ex-smoker, if I’d known back then just how many balloons I’d be expected to blow up in later years, I’d have thought twice about ever having kids.
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
When I’m feeling inadequate, I remember that there are women who marry their prison pen pals, and then my own decisions don’t seem so bad.
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times
Person who is about to invent the coffee mug: Ouch! This coffee cup is too hot to pick up!
Boss: I don’t have time for this. Handle it.
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
ME: [googling Why Do I Have A Migraine?]
GOOGLE: You need caffeine. You drink too much caffeine. You need sleep. You sleep too much. You need to eat. Food can cause migraines. The weather changed & you should’ve figured out how to control that. You need to go back in time and-
[group therapy]
Frankenstein’s Monster: Nnaaahhhrr
Pavlov’s Dog: I know, right? They just couldn’t be bothered to give us names. Nothing worse than that.
Schrödinger’s Cat: There might be.
Saw a guy riding a unicycle today. Actually, he was riding a bicycle but I didn’t see him & I hit him with my car. Then boom! Unicycle.
Some say Obama is the biggest liar of all time..
I say, the person who chose the spelling of, “Colonel” is the biggest liar of all time
What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.