You fools! Whether or not
Die Hard is a Christmas movie doesnโt really matter. The tradition of arguing over it is what counts. ๐๐ ๐ป๐
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Get your ski mask. Weโre pulling off a popsicle factory heist. I got the strawberry shortcakes. Leave no creamsicle behind.
Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it
if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up
*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
Disney say they’re going to make Mickey Mouse’s hands smaller for “realism”.
Well, not on my watch.
Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*
spider: yeah that way’s fine too
Itโs so cute when Amazonโs like โare you buying this can of tuna as a giftโ?
Gift wrap? Why not!
itโs finally my moment to shine
[pours a bag of sugar over a tire fire]
hmmm
[tastes remnants]
i think i’ll call it… Twizzlers
โWHAT DO WE WANTโ
โVAGUENESS AND IMPATIENCEโ
โWHEN DO WE WANT ITโ
โSOMETIME SOONโ
I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.
Proofreading services too expensive? Try proof skimming! For only $10, I’ll flip through your book and say “yeah, whatever, it’s probably fine.”
If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.
~dogs, apparently
Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didnโt hear you.Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizzaโs here.
Top Four Signs of Job Security:
4. Promotions and raises
3. Specialized skills
2. Top producer
1. Compromising photos of the boss
I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.
So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.
Tell her โI love your eyes. They sparkle like emeralds. Iโd love to see them every dayโ
Perhaps whisper the โin a jar beside my bedโ part though
Due to personal reasons I will be saying “aye” and “arggg” instead of yes and no from now on. Please respect my piracy during this difficult time.
Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.
“You can’t come in here with a dog.”
“I’m blind. It’s my seeing eye dog.”
“No way. They don’t breed Chihuahua service dogs.”
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”
God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.
Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?
God: Turn its frown upside down.
Angel: That’s not much of a diff-
God: Give it a sideways tail.
Angel: O…kay…
God: Punch a hole in its noggin.
Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear
Anyone else get annoyed when a TV show says something like “It weighs 5 kilos – that’s equivalent to five bags of sugar”? Well yes, as long as each bag weighs a kilo, then five of them will weigh 5kg. Who exactly is this helping?
Whoever created lasagna was totally a stoner
I want noodles
Okay
Now sauce
Cool
Now cheese
Got it
Now noodles
You said that
Now cheese
WTF!
Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
Do you think about random little things that occurred during your childhood a lot? Like once when I was 6 I saw a man take a bite from the serving spoon of mac n cheese at Golden Corral and have never been to a buffet since.
Taliband
*Sees a bum eating out of the trash*
Thatโs so disgusting. I donโt know how they do that.
*pulls turkey leg out of my hair & takes a bite*