My “friend” Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, “Adam.”
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Me: *draws pentagram, chants in latin*
Demon: *possesses me*
Me: *head spins around, neck cracks several times* ahh yeah that’s the shit
Demon: same time next week?
How about a game where Mario gets a job and gets his coins like the rest of us.
Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*
Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?
Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks
detective: what happened?
librarian: a guy stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
detective: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.
billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit
her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list
me: *writes* ‘chicken’
only baby boomers will get this:
*pension*
Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”
owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island
Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.
The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.
ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.
[therapy]
WIFE: he favors our son over our daughter
ME: No way, I love whatsherface just as much as I love Johnny
Person: I’m a spelling bee champion.
Me: Bee isn’t that hard to spell.
my friend, ted: i hear you’re pretty competitive
me: yeah i guess so
my enemy, ted: want to play a game
Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
“Girl, are you a tree? cause-”
“no i’m not a tree”
“..cause i want-”
“why are you still talking i’m not a tree”
“.. i want t-”
“not a tree”
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.
Should I call tech support or pray or what
learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar
“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!
Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!
What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
“Keep it in your pants!”
-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.