Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”
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I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
It’s called a sports bra bc the actual sport is trying to get it off oneself after a hard workout.
<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.
“I can’t eat all of that!”
… and other lies I tell
Me: My son totaled another car.
Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?
M: yes
P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!
her: I’m bored
me: let me take you out and show you a good time
her: ok
[later]
me: *walking past a bar* look, everyone in there’s having funher: I see
Go hard or stay average
mom gave me mine for free
Everything reminds me of my ex
Not everyone thinks of Cleopatra as beautiful.
That’s just how Julius Caesar.
Did you guys hear about the “internet”? Apparently you can say literally anything there
Bro what is this
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.
me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”
friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”
me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”
I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.
Free cake in the break room and these people turn into cheetahs on a gazelle.
I think Pam from Accounting died.
She wasn’t strong enough.
I should not have taken this before my big rap battle
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.
My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.
why am I working on Labor Day
trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month
Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.
I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.
Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m extremely talented with my lips and tongue.
*Whistles The Andy Griffith Show theme song flawlessly*