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If you think Lord of the Flies couldn’t happen, you’ve clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a piñata.
[grocery store]
Me (chewing): why are these grapes expensive
Cashier: We know ppl eat them before they pay
Me (still chewing): well I never
garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.
Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…*opens laptop
*typesWife: Phew!
Me: What?
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.
me: sacked? why?
boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name
me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]
Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*
this bad boy can fit so many waves in it
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.
A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
I got a weather service alert that my area is under a flash flood warning and to “take immediate action” so I bought a boat on Amazon. I don’t know I feel like they could be more specific.
On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵
Same pineapple, same
BRAKING NEWS!!
My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample
I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.
Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.
I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy
[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy
We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?
Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
Doctor: If it gets worse, who should we notify?
Liam Neeson: Next of Kin.
Doctor: It shouldn’t come to that, though. How are you feeling today?
Liam Neeson: High Spirits.
Oh, so when a survivor takes an arrow to the head, it’s a “tragedy.”
But when a zombie get hit, it’s a “good kill.”
Hypocrites.
Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.
HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet:
me:
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you