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not holding the door for the person right behind you and letting it slam onto them: objectively inconsiderate and so easy to avoid
holding the door for someone who’s like 30 feet away: a blatant act of terrorism
Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.
Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.
Him: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.
me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
Me, after playing Hot Cross Buns on the recorder: Honestly I didn’t write that, it was a cover. I’m working on some originals though.
The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.
Thin eyeliner today.
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*covers entire face.
I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.
Me: Why don’t I have a boyfriend?
God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.
Me: Ah. That’s right. Gross.
coworker: hey grant
me: [stands up]
cw: u know what I hate about this job
me: [walks out of office]
cw: [follows me] u know what I hate
me: [takes elevator to top floor]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [climbs ladder to rooftop]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [jumps]
“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”
-panic inducing
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands“I’ve been coronated”
-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now
GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”
A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”
PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor
i spent way too long on this
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
Boss [coming into my cubicle]: Hey can you-
Me:
Boss: Um.
Me [in bathrobe and slippers, smoking a cigar while playing guitar]: I really thought I’d be the only one here.
Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)
Wife- Don’t forget the trash.
Me *BATMAN VOICE- I’ll forget whatever I want.
Wife- What did you ju…
Me *Robin voice- I said, yes ma’am.
whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no
Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…
Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.
My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.
As a kid, I once spent hours hiding wedged behind a dresser refusing to come out unless my mom called me Smurfette- knowing full well she’d never figure out that was the way to find me/ get me out – so yes I’ve always been this way…