I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
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Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
My 75 y/o mom has cataracts & is a bit colorblind now.
She gave my 11 y/o son a pink sweatshirt she thought was orange.
I’m gonna write on the back “don’t laugh I got this from your girlfriends house last night.”
Neither 11 nor mom think that’s funny.
coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater
me *in my regular sweater*: thanks
Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.
Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
“Nope. Nope. Yeah right. Nope. Close! Nah. Nope. Almost! Hahaha, you’re terrible at this.” – piece of popcorn stuck between teeth.
if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up
I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies
“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off
My 7yo said if she ever gets married she wants to have a pajama-themed wedding, and I feel like my parenting has come to fruition.
“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.
Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
Coronavirus: LOL
Even though it says it right there in the show’s title, I’m always disappointed when Unsolved Mysteries aren’t neatly wrapped up by the end of the ep.
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999
9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas
The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.
Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.
If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.
Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.
I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.
Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars
Genie: done. and your second?
Me: infinite money
Genie: no can do
Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now
Jesus loves me. This I know.
For my neighbor told me so.
Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down.
I’m flattered…but straight.
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
If you want to keep people away from you, just have a conversation with yourself at the supermarket self checkout, like there’s an employee there:
Me: Did you find everything you need today?
Me: Yes, thank you.
Me: Whatchu got planned for today?
Me: Just relaxing