him: i like athletic girls
me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk
him: not like that
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me in 2018: surely next year will be better
me in 2019: well at least it can’t get any worse than this
me in 2020: *walking into the ocean holding a brick in each hand* ok bye
I use subtitles so if I learn anything interesting I can say “I was reading about” instead of “I saw on an episode of Love is Blind”
New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”
coworker: what’re u gonna be for halloween
me: ur mom
coworker: lol havent heard that one in a whi–
me: matthew u never call
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”
Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.
Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question
I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons
My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.
Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
its been 20 yrs since Celine Dion released “I’m In Love With A Boat”, from the movie “Big Stupid Boat”
Putting 7 to bed and she started asking me questions about having babies. I answered as well as I could for her level and was feeling quite pleased with myself. I told her she could ask me anything so naturally her next question was how do shipwrecks happen.
still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.
When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.
her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins
Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?
Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Do you have any room for dessert?”
Me: *thinking of my secret cake room*
“What have you heard?”
Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.
Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….
Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity
Me: Let’s invite them over for dinner two weeks from now. It will be great!
Two weeks later. Husband and I cranky, annoyed and frantically cleaning.
Both: Never again.
Repeat.
Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise
Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.