My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
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Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.
[in bed]
M: Do that thing I like
H: NO
M: Please?
H: *sighs [puts on British redcoat uniform] I have your tea
M: I WILL NEVER PAY YOUR TAXES
the batteries in my keys don’t work anymore so now i just say “CHIRP CHIRP!” as i walk away from my car. your move robbers
doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof
FYI a woman in Italy told me it’s healthy to eat pasta every day as long as you only eat lasagna on the weekends I am seeking no further nutrition opinions at this time
The credit card machine at the liquor store wasn’t working so I whispered to it, “Please…. my mother is at my house,” and it felt bad for me and worked!!!!!!!!!!!!!
JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all
GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this
CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex
ME: lol
JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby
ME: what
JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again
ME: stop
1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
These dogs look like they have good credit.
I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.
*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back
Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious
After a blazing row with the girlfriend, we agreed there’d be makeup sex on date night, but I turned up in full Joker face paint and am now single again.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon
Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–
Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON
Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying…
I’m just a lawyer, standing in front of a Judge, trying to make him understand that stopping for coffee was a necessity and I should not be held in contempt for being late.
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
Cookie dough and vodka are not dinner.
Coocie dogh and vodka are nt diner.
Cokie dgh and vodkka arnt dinr.
Ckidgvkljtdcbr.
inventing words: clothing
non-violent communication is so important in a relationship! instead of:
“you never take out the trash”
try:
“i FEEL like the spreadsheet i’ve kept for the last six months indicates you only took the trash out 3.2% of the time”
Mom: Do you have any idea how painful it was to carry you in my womb for 9 months?
Me: If the last time I hurt you was 37 years ago, I’d say you’re winning in this relationship.
Policeman: Name please?
Woman: Cheryl Cole
Policeman: Your FULL name
Woman: (quietly) Chernobyl Coleslaw
Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job
Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.
Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*