[Boss’ office]
“You’re late AGAIN.”
Drove back for my phone.
“Why do need it at work?”
It’s all I do.
“WHAT?”
I said, IT’S NICE TO SEE YOU.
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The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.
Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
Friend: You’re Catholic?
Me: Yes
F: And you eat meat on Fridays?
M: I can guarantee if I’m going to hell it’s not for eating meat on Fridays
Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves
Amazon Prime: Free 2-Day shipping
Amazon Subprime: Loads package into trebuchet and shoots it in the general direction of your house
Amazon PrimePrime: Lets you live in the warehouse
Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “Last summer I got drunk, and had sex with your mother”
[unzips fannypack filled with jellybeans and some fall out]
Dammit
[bends over to pick them up and the rest spill out]
DAMMIT
Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,
Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: yes why
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
As a parent I can honestly say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I do have one that’s definitely going to be the cause of my first heart attack
How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?
“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*
With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.
I never drive behind someone with a dream catcher hanging from the rearview mirror.
DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT FALL ASLEEP AT ANY MOMENT?!?
My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.
“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.
Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced
Your restraining order says NO
But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.