*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
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I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?
shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie
Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea
My dog barks for 2 reasons:
1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.
Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.
I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.
hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car
None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.
“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”
I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.
People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.
[deathbed]
Son….come closer
“Yes dad?”
We need a new man of the house
“I’d-”
*presses fake mustache into his hands*
Give this to your sister
A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn’t have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking…presumably about the failure of this coffee shop.
If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.
This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks
Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches
You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating
Turkeys are crazy.
They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.Must be a safety in numbers thing.
If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.
If they cancel the Times Square New Year’s Eve Celebration, I feel bad for everyone who misses out on what everyone I know who’s ever been to it describes as one of the worst things they’ve ever experienced.
I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.
I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there
If you’re searching for a woman who’s sweet and funny and has her life together then look no further because that one at the table behind me seems like she does.
I’m not saying these people are peeing in the ocean, but I’ve been on the beach for 4.5 hours with a bunch of beer drinkers and not one has left my line of sight yet.
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I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.