When in Texas…
*heads into the desert*
*hugs cactus*
*shoots said cactus*
*rides off into the sunset on horseback*
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[2 T-Rex’s getting drunk]
“I’m wasted.”
“Me too. You know how bad?”
“Don’t say it again.”
“I can’t feel my face.”
“Goddammit, Kevin.”
*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV
Me: *on safari naked*
Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?
The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*
I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.
“My name is Robert and I support apples.”
— Bob for apples
Me: don’t do it
Brain: GONNA DO IT
Me: I’m driving
Brain: HERE IT COMES
Me: there’s oncoming traffic
Brain: REALLY WELLING UP NOW
Me: you’re going to kill us both
Brain: DO THE WEIRD FACE FIRST
Me: *pre sneeze face*
Brain: THIS AMUSES ME
daughter: dad I can count to 100 want to hear?
me: absolutely
daughter: ok *deep breath* I’m going to do it in my head. I’ll let you know when I’m done
Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.
whole time I was thinking “how’s Popeye gonna top this shit” then this mf justs —
My neighbor gave me $50 to get my squeaking door fixed because he couldn’t stand it anymore… and so begins my life as a sugar baby
I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive
*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.
-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.
-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.
Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.
Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history
I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25
[sees old lady drop $20]
Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash!
Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!
Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.
Having a bad vocabulary is very bad
I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.
My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.
Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.