I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.
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Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend
Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must’ve looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.
Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said ‘The Loan Shark’ so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.
Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.
(my funeral)
Spouse, crying: I’ll miss you, my love. Your with the angels now.Ghost me, whispering in his ear: *you’re
S: Oh ffs!
what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones
Yelling “give me back my panties, you pervert” at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.
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I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.
Having a boyfriend is so awesome like there’s just a guy in ur house whose job it is to know where countries are and what exactly Watergate was
My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.
I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.
Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.
DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*
The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.
Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.
When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:
-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?
Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about
I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.
Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.
No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.
Women because they’re embarrassed
Men because they’ll start laughing
if all my dreams come true then the next time i go grocery shopping i’ll start mopping up a spill because suddenly i work there but then realize i forgot to wear pants so i’ll try to run home but my legs are made of rubber and then all my teeth fall out so stop wishing that on me
[training the new person at work]
Them: so you do this everyday?
Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
Me: I can’t believe we have $900 for Christmas gifts this year!
Fridge: I don’t feel well. I think I have a fever.
this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!