It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.
You Might Also Like
The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums
the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats
last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht
Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.
Some stranger replied to a tweet and asked me to date him, so I’m wondering what kind of weirdo does that and what should I wear.
Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.
I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years
Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.
So UBER is not a dating app?
*sigh*
I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.
teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?
me: at checkers!
teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?
me: we went camping!
teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your snickers?
me: yeah, that one I did
I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean
i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”
*chases cat around the house with a lint roller
Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there
google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
Parole officer: Come in and take a seat
[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…
[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?
How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
Just banged my head but unfortunately it didn’t knock any more sense into it.
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
Me: trump keeps obfuscating the truth
Wife: i see you learned a new word
Me: i obfuscately did
Wife:
Me: what are we obfuscating for dinner
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap
What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae
my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.
Me: got my food and now I’ll just grab a napkin.
Napkin Dispenser: ok, 38 napkins to you my dude.
Me: no just-just one.
Napkin Dispenser: right, no napkins for you bro.
Me: uh what?
Napkin Dispenser: a bunch of napkins in smallish pieces for my homie.
Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠
911: what’s your emergency
Me: I can’t find my lizard
911: do you have any details
Me: *holding tail* that’s how I lost it