Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
You Might Also Like
If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore
Fight fire with water. Idiots.
When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face
And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago
Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?
Me: After lunch time
5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now
“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.
First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.
(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.
[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
Them: I know you’re shy but I can’t carry the conversation forever.
Me: Oh I’m not shy. I am just hoping you will give up soon.
Yeah, but is it Tyrannosauri Rex or Tyrannosaurus Rexes?
*The Jehovahs Witness slams my own door in my face
Aladdin: I can show you the world
Jasmine: lets go to New York!
Aladdin: hold on
Jasmine: then London
Aladdin: wait
Jasmine: and then-
Aladdin: listen you wanna see Agrabah I can show you Agrabah
My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.
She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.
Surgery didn’t go well.
My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
Leaving the beach yesterday I said to myself ‘don’t leave your phone on the roof of the car, woman’.
Long story short, someone found my phone on the side of the road and just returned it to me
All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.
it’s always terrifying when i’m alone in my apartment at night and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” because i dread making small talk
MOM: putting him in sports was a bad idea
DAD: yup
ME (in right field wearing my cup on my face): hey coach look at me I’m Bane lol
Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……but cannibals are the real humanitarians.
Just posted missing flyers of my cheeseburger all around the neighborhood. So far, no cheeseburger. It’s as if people don’t even care.
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?
Because I didn’t.
[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff
T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
So, if he gets divorced for the third time…
Does Melania get to keep the White House?