I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.
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{Police Job Interview}
Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.
Recruit: Why kill a kitten?
Captain: You’re hired.
[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe
My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.
The only issue with being single is when you fall asleep on the couch after dinner and are wide awake at midnight and you can’t make it someone else’s problem
But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.
A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.
i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*
When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy
also me: lady i’m doing my best
Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.
Date: I don’t think we should see each other again
Me: It’s because I got in a fight and lost, isn’t it
Date: Well, yes
Me: It was a surprisingly strong goose
Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…
you’ve heard of fomo now get ready for fobi (fear of being included)
doctor: any allergies?
me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.
I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.
It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.
FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?
ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off*
[3 years later]
COP *walking his dog*: wait a second…
Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.
[1st date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”
Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!
*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*
DENTIST: Been flossing?
ME: Yup
D: [reaches into my mouth & pulls out a copy of the NY Times dated 7/5/14] I put this in there last time
Me: I have an imaginary gf.
Therapist: U can do better than that.
M: I know, it’s just–
T: I was talking to her.
We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.
Dear everyone THE PEEPS ARE MY BABIES please do not eat them. Take them home. Give them warmth and comfort. Allow them to nest beside your TV. Give them your passwords so they can log on to the dark web and order books about witchcraft to summon Cthulhu. Let them swim in the sink
Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.
me: let’s change your diaper
2: oh, no. I couldn’t possibly. I’m late setting up my pacifier scavenger hunt. I must dash!