fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
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“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”
*fireworks go off outside*
*opens window*
I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE
Priest: I want to teach you about a higher power
Kid: my dad?
Priest: haha no, even more powerful
Kid *nodding* mom
Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?
*In Class* Please don’t call on me, please don’t call on me! *Teacher Says Your Name*
So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.
Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.
When asked about performing in a musical for Andrew Lloyd Webber, Meatloaf was quoted as saying “Oh I would do anything for Lloyd, but I won’t do Cats!”
Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
obsessed w/ the woman in line telling her life story. she hasn’t seen her daughter (annie) or grandkids in 3yrs bc they’re in australia. annie met her hubby in hawaii while surfing. she’s had trouble w/ the neighbors lately but that’s annie, she’ll find it wherever she goes
Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?
Amazon: It’s 15% off.
Me: Well, in that case…
[Christmas Party]
*opening my gifts*
Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago
*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. “6 fell down today”. Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: “33 is drunk again”.
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
Me: Babe, you are the one. The one I will fight with.
Wife: Don’t you mean for?
Me: Sure. That too.
78 just saw the ring light in my bedroom.
I told him that it’s for the plants.
Oh, he said, and went on his way.
There are no plants in my room.
I refuse to dismiss Thanksgiving. Any holiday dedicated to food & stretchy pants is worth celebrating.
Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.
PRINCIPAL: Your father needs to speak to you urgently
SON: Oh my god what’s wrong
ME: I think your mother gave you my oreo thins by mistake
cant be in the office one more moment, I have a moral, legal and biological obligation to be in front of a roaring fire going honk-shooo honk-shoo mimimimi
WTF IS AN ACRONYM
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
6: are snakes just neck?
I confessed to my 14 year old that for the last 3 months I’ve been putting supermarket own ketchup in a Heinz ketchup bottle and he’s been happily eating it without noticing. Shit is going to go down.