Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
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DIET JOURNAL
DAY 1: A little hungry. Stayed within my calories. I can do this.
DAY 4: A humpback whale responded to my stomach growls.
[speed dating]
date: what’s your biggest turn on?
me: wind turbines
date: ah i’m not a big fan
me: next
Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.
inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder
men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
me (putting a $10 bill on the bar): surprise me
bartender: no
me: … excuse me?
bartender (taking my money): you want anything else
Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.
Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.
Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?
Brad Pitt: Let him stay.
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.
Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!
Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow
God: you can go on land and water.
Turtle: nice, but what’s the shell on my back for?
God: that’s where you live.
Turtle: oh my gosh.
God: what?
Turtle: I have a house boat!
i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers
While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left
*points to baseball player stealing a base* hey look the batman is robin
You know it’s a BBQ type holiday weekend when there are a thousand people in the spice aisle at the grocery store just staring at the spices
I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min
3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.
People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*
The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with
Teen daughter: What? Why are you looking at me that way?? You’re all squinty and judgy.
Me: I just took my contacts out.
the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam
My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early
Apparently, “I’m not circumventing your authority, I’m just trying to get around it”, was not the answer HR was looking for.
I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.