I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.
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Stick with me and you’ll go places.
None of them good, but still.
I think the bowl of ice cream I ate earlier gave me a stomach ache so I ate a another bowl to make sure.
The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.
Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
Family bike ride? Sure, that sounds great! Just give me 2-3 hours to pump up all of these bike tires and we’ll be on our way!
Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.
*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*
Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.
[Job Interview]
How would you describe your time management skills?
Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.
Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something
Kid: How did you meet daddy?
Me: Well, it all started with a friendly game of spin the bottle at the family reunion…
You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*
This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain
Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
“Son, we have to talk.”
“What is it, Dad?”
“You were adopted.”
“Oh my god… Really?!?”
“Yup. Get ready. They’re picking you up in an hour.”
Things I’ve learned in life
1. Never tickle a stranger at a bar or at the urinal.2….
That’s it. Just don’t tickle people you don’t know
[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL
♫ 12 drummers drumming
♫ 11 pipers piping
♫ 10 lords a leaping
♫ 9 ladies dancing
♫ 8 maids a milking
♫ 7 swans a swimming
♫ 6 geese a laying
♫
Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.
I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence
On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”
WIFE: would you chop these onions for me
ME: sure
WIFE: I meant with a knife
ME (tightening the belt on my karate robe): aww man
I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.
Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.
*first date*
Guy: I like a girl who’s good with money
Me: the city will bury you for FREE if they can’t identify your body
Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”
Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”
Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”
Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
If my dog doesn’t like you, then I don’t like you. Unless you’re hot, then the dog can go in the crate for a couple hours.