Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.
You Might Also Like
The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png
Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?
“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*
Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.
Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.
I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.
I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.
When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.
suddenly remembered my high school production of hamlet where the drama teacher decided that the only actor with the gravitas to play claudius was…. himself
the cast was 15 teenagers and a man in his 40s with a highlighted pompadour, dark wash denim, and a silver skull ring.
he taught us drama alright.
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit
When faced with a challenging situation I calmly ask myself “what would the hulk do?”
Then I rip my clothes and smash stuff up!
[first time hunting]
friend: I’m out of shells do you have any
me: *choking on pistachio* a few
I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.
I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long
Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet
Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend
Day 22 of quarantine and I’ve turned my living room into a nudist colony. The kids hate it but I’ve finally obtained some privacy
ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!
HER: No, spelunking is a thing
ME: Ha ha, absototesly.
Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too
Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”Me – *fast forwards to the end*