Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy
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the funniest historical moment was when achilles’ mom, knowing that dunking him in the river styx would make him invulnerable, didn’t take an extra 2 seconds to dip his heel in to make sure he was 100% covered. just the laziest shit ever
Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer
Girlfriend: *reading beautiful love poem in German*
Me: STOP YELLING AT ME
Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.
My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings
Who him? Oh that’s just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter-
*saxophone solo*
INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.
SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*
Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.
Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.
I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”
“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”
Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?
Doctor: your test came back, it isn’t good
Me: am I going to die?
Doctor: without treatment, yes
Me: I’ll do anything, what’s the cure?
Doctor: you just need to eat black licorice
Me: *grabbing my coat* I’ll see you in hell
Walking my dog in his Halloween outfit and a woman walking the other way asked, “Is that a costume?”
I guess I never realized how realistic his shark costume is.
Something Saturday.
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?
Just used a stiletto heel to open an Amazon package.
Next up – that impossible to reach, itchy spot in the middle of my back.
60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
Historians: so we’re gonna name this war the 80 years war
Me: so that means it lasted 80 years right
Historians: you FOOL. you utter buffoon. You ignorant being
I accidentally spilled Coke on my husband’s shoes, so now I’m waiting to see which one of my kids acts like a jerk first so I know who to blame it on.
Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table
I gotta go grocery shopping. I’m the only snack left in the house.
Mom: Time to wake updog.
Son: *groggily* What’s updog?
Mom: Just waking you up for school, dog, what’s up wit u?
Dad (from hallway): OWNED
there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job
AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain