I just want someone who will treat me like a lady and hold the refrigerator door open for me.
You Might Also Like
I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.
If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”
[Interview]
Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
B: omg
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
Me: Male Peacocks can’t fly because their tail is too heavy.
Beauty has its cost.Husband: I still don’t understand why your eyeliner costs 45 dollars.
9: if a cigar is just made from a plant then why can’t kids have them?
me: I’m just trying to drink my morning coffee man.
Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.
[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this
[during sex]
Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.
Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.
My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today
Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”
colleague: do u like the clown from IT?
me: nah he never fixes my computer
I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder
*slams jug on counter*
Boom! Fresh milk from the neighbor’s cows.
Wife: Ummm they don’t have cows…they have Dalmatians.
*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.
Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
Me, to myself: I am a strong and independent woman. I’m perfectly capable of doing things by myself.
Me, to my toddler: I’m calling Santa.
sleep researchers agree that it may sound fun to set a favorite song as your wakeup alarm, but it will quickly make you hate the song. That’s why the scientific consensus is for everyone to use Drops Of Jupiter instead
Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber
The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
I’m definitely the most successful guy in this dollar store.
Oh, wait.
That guy has a tuxedo t-shirt.
I’m the second most successful guy.
I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave
Me: and the last piece?
Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao
Me: I’ll take these shovels. Do you carry limes
Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean lime?
Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?
Cashier: Limes
Me: The other one, the dead body one
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here