There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.
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Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.
Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids
professor: there are no stupid questions
me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big
professor:
me:
professor: there is one stupid question
There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
who called it a missed phone call from your parents and not a boomer rang?
Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class
My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.
She was rare, like a goth carolling.
I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins
me: why does my back hurt
also me:
nobody:
90’s boybands:
(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)
[forest precinct]
DETECTIVE OWL: HOO
BEAR: I dont know
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: I DONT KNOW
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!
My heart skips a beat and my hands clench. Lips quivering, I lower my gaze to the ground. Faced with the truth, the disappointment I feel rips through my gut like the sharpest of blades. I HAVE DROPPED MY CHEESE.
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
my 5 year-old son just threw his Peppa pig doll down a flight of stairs. While staring over her mangled body, he said “Awww..Peppa we have to be careful next time” and I think I am raising Kathy Bates from Misery
Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.
[Veterans Hospital]
GRAMPS {waking from 72 year coma caused by D-Day head injury}: Did we beat the Nazis?
ME: Haha, well…interesting story
The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.
Carpenter ants are bullshit, I left a whole box of ikea furniture here, all they did was carry off my watermelon and steal a picnic basket
OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
ME: *lying on deathbed*
DEATH: get off my bed
I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?
Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.
People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.
She blocked me on everything, she must wanna see me in person