“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”
folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah
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[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter
He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her
If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.
While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!
Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents
somehow a bad experience with seafood is more powerful than a bad relationship
people will go back to a toxic ex, but never eat scallops again after puking once
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet
me: [making impt life decision] what should I do
wife: just listen to your gut
me: ok
gut: let’s get nachos
me: BYE WE’RE GOING OUT FOR NACHOS
wife: wtf just happened
Signs you’re a man:
*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.
*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.
Me: How long should I roast asparagus in the oven?
Food Blogger: Wondering how long to roast asparagus? C’mere! I’ve got your answer!
Me: Cool! Thank-
Food Blogger: I was born on a farm in Tennessee. My father was an angry man with 3 fingers on each hand. A war injury…
My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.
I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.
Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”
This is sending me to another galaxy
This squirrel eats better than I do
me: I think I left my phone charger on the plane
flight attendant: are you getting into the life boat or not
Him: 🎶 In the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. 🎶
Her: Please don’t sing to it when you are down there
Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!
[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*
Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.
*reading a children’s book*
That’s preposterous. A duck can’t perform brain surgery. They would quack under the pressure.
Sure, we’ve all been through hard times, but even when I waitressed part time during college and ate ramen noodles every night for dinner I still saved my money for important things like Charmin double ply mega rolls.
Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
Just asked my coworkers if anyone had to use the potty before our next meeting, in case there was any doubt that I’m a mom.