Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that
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According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.
My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.
[crime scene]
*detective snaps pics of murder victim*
Corpse: delete it
why are math teachers so obsessed with proofs ??? bro WE BELIEVE YOU literally no one here is doubting mr pythagorean
Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.
I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel
ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.
[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:
My favorite thing is when there’s not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you’re just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated
Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels
[My death bed]
*loved ones sobbing*
Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.
RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?
ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?
RIDDLER: Well, no, but
My son and daughter were just arguing, and as she was walking away he yelled at her “I HOPE BOTH SIDES OF YOUR PILLOW ARE WARM TONIGHT!”
I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
a house without a chimney should be called a nouse
(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)
Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?
(walks out)
I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
Me: I have bad news about, Bob
Friend: Bob from work that always fakes his own death?
Me: *Drops shovel* Oh no
Nepobaby? Why, yes, I am, my father was Prom and Homecoming King in a town of 300, I can still get a discount at the local Ace Hardware if Steve is working.
I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.
Me: *dies*
My kids: *taking out Ouija board*
H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?
“Actually, you couldn’t get a dinosaur to do that, and a sundial wristwatch would be extremely impractical.” – me in the Flintstones writers room about to get fired.
[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you, wraps a towel around itself and screams oh wait that’s my neighbor haha Hi Pam!
Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!
me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names