Her: I love cats
Me: [trying to impress her] me too
Her: what’s your favourite kind
Me: [panicking] uh…doja
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can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again
STOP GIVING UR PETS HUMAN NAMES !! NO I DONT WANNA PET KEITH !!!
The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal
The greatest Halloween decoration you’ll ever see
Friend: I’m getting married
Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?
Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don’t sleep in the same bed anymore.
[family therapy]
JIMMY: My dad turns everything into a movie reference
DOC: Why do you do that?
ME: I want to develop a bond, James. Bond
whenever i see that someone somewhere has spent a bunch of time making or designing or building something i think about how crazy it is that they never thought to check in with me, the guy with no skills or expertise who spent 10 seconds looking at a tweet about it
When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.
[camping]
“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”
-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.
how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
A stunning example of cloud iridescence, caused by small ice crystals scattering the sun’s rays, filmed in Narathiwat, Thailand.
Credit: Orawan Thongchinda
dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that
I was gonna complain about THE GODDAMN JACKHAMMERING THAT WOKE ME UP THIS AM
but it’s noon.
Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.
Kid: How did you meet daddy?
Me: Well, it all started with a friendly game of spin the bottle at the family reunion…
This is gonna be the worst sex tape ever. RT @KimKardashian: What you gonna do when you have Hulk Hogan in the house!!?!!
Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?
Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.
Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.
Twitter should offer Shkreli his account back for $10,000 and if he agrees say sorry and suddenly raise the price 5600%
What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.
I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think