Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.
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Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.
if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]
[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked
A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.
Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.
*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*
HEY TWITTER IF I WANTED 10,000 CHARACTERS THAT I WASN’T INTERESTED IN I WOULD START WATCHING GAME OF THRONES
I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.
5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.
The tornado siren was just going off here, but I think I can make it to the liquor store.
CINDERELLA: my parents r dead
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: im being abused
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: i need a new outfit
FAIRYGODMOTHER: hi
Obi-Wan: it’s over, Anakin. i have learned how to stave off a mountain lion attack
Anakin: you underestimate my power
Obi-Wan; *raises arms above his head in order to appear larger, begins to scream*
A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives
Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.
I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.
Her face will be on currency one day.
Just ordered me some pizza!
I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.
Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.