If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.
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Probably one of the hardest things for Pinocchio to pull off was complimenting his friend’s experimental theater piece.
Got him!
Apparently drug dealers don’t take Kohl’s cash and they also carry guns, this is not going well.
12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.
My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”
I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.
I win.
MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again
I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.
The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
gen z: what’s the next generation gonna be called?
scientist: [nervously] ahaha you’re not the last one
gen z: what
scientist: what
I was awake around 4-5am because I needed to pee, but then somehow got my breathing mode stuck in manual versus automatic when trying to fall back asleep. What the hell, brain?
I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me
Jesus: one of you will betray me tonight
*checks phone*
Jesus: WHO IN DAD’S NAME UNFOLLOWED ME?!”
*judas slyly slips phone back in robe*
It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
batman: i caught the penguin
judge: bail is set for $0
batman: isn’t he a flight risk?
judge:
batman: oh right
The sign at the pool says,
Children Under 12 Require Supervision.I guess anyone over 12 is allowed in with only normal eyesight.
I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.
[FIRST DATE]
Him: “I love science-fiction.”
Me, trying to impress him: “I think the earth is flat.”
I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.
me to 8: dude you’re growing up! When you gonna stop getting bigger?
8: I don’t know. When are you gonna stop getting bigger?
me:
Her: How’s your drink?
Me: It’s ok. I can’t taste the alcohol though
Her:That’s cause we’re at the gym and its a protein shake
A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.
COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”
My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”
*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM
If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.