One of my favorite lies to tell myself is that a blueberry muffin is substantially more nutritious than a chocolate chip muffin.
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Wife: I just heard something downstairs.
Me: It’s just the wind.
Wife: Go and see.
Me: You can’t see wind, Claire.
You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !
it’s ok if no one “gets” you; do what’s right for you. avoid people who make you feel bad. entomb your enemy, alive, in a wine cellar. become a lighthouse keeper who guides phantom ships to the underworld. you do you.
[Thanksgiving Dinner]
“Ursula, would you mind saying grace?”
“I’d be honored. Let us join hands and bow our heads. WAIT FOR IT…grace.”
Dear Fox news,
I have yet to see any news about foxes.
Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.
What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s
[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married
Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25
“Well maybe they shouldn’t make soap out of animal fat if they didn’t want people to eat it!” I yell from the emergency room, mouth foaming
Based Erika
Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
My sports team is better than your sports team!
“Is not!”
Is too!
“IS NOT!”
*pulls out giant foam finger*
Whoa man, be cool
*bark*
“What’s that Lassie?”
*bark bark*
“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”
*bark*
“Ooh, dinnertime.”
Be specific when saying “BYOB”:
[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*
3: Please move
Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English
3: Woof Woof
10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
When will I learn that smoking as much as possible before I go to the airport won’t keep me high for my entire flight it’ll just make going through security Terrifying
My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014
Sell your car
(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city
She says talking to me is like talking to a kid.
Therapist: And how many years has this been going on?
*holds up 6 fingers* This many
[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.
1980s : average parent ; 4 kids
2016: average kid ; 4 parents
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state of the art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”
coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth
I am grateful for the canned, boxed, frozen dinners my parents provided. BUT my favorite thing about having worked in kitchens for years and having the time and ability to cook great, from-scratch meals for my children is when they say, “Ugh! Can’t we just order pizza!?!”
i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64