I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.
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“It’s one of those new Hoverboards!”
9: Mom, this is just 2 Roombas taped together.
“Don’t be silly. Now go vacuum…I mean play upstairs”
A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.
just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook
I thought that raisin on the floor was a bug and then I thought that’s gross, someone brought raisins in my house.
I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.
Group- “Can believe Jesus just turned water into wine?!”
Me- *cutting up lines of table salt* “hey um, Jesus… soo can you do me a favor?”
I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.
What do you hear?
Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.
Sometimes I’ll call in, disguise my voice, and insist on speaking to me, or I’ll take my business elsewhere.
my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…
He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.
Saw a teen couple buying condoms in the pharmacy so I let my grandbaby run around their feet & whispered ‘that’s the brand my daughter used’
Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker
*Me, accidentally knocking kitchen knife off counter*
My foot: I’LL GET IT
My brain: NO YOU IDIOT
Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.
What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.
Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.
Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.
I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.
Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
Cop: know how fast you were going?
Me: 30
Cop: faster
Me: 217
Cop: what? no 72
Me: 54
Cop: I already told-
Me: negative 12
Cop: get out
Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)
Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.
Hugh Jackman implies the existence of a small ackman
Columbus has to be the worst guy to go to the mat for. The guy took notes the whole time & all of them are like “they were friendly so I killed them” & “note: we should do slavery here” and everyone else’s notes are like “I am trapped on a boat with a murderer”
*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats