A minute, 45 seconds.
How long I’ll hold my hands under a restaurant faucet before I finally realize it’s not motion activated.
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Standing in front of a mirror looking at my naked body and thinking… “I’m going to get thrown out of this Ikea pretty soon.”
I had a bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.
Am I a bad navigator? Well off course
How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?
Peace was never an option
Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.
Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?
me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours
When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence
8yo me: i wanta be a paleontologist when i grow up
28yo me: (sifting through cat litter) oh look, a quarter!
How do I explain to this bank teller than I’m just robbing her and not the bank?
Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.
Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.
Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.
Guess we’re both living the dream
I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.
We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.
Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
I’m 37 and from the Midwest, every man I know is named Matthew, I’m going to need you to be more specific.
-Me when my mom say she saw Matthew today.
nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.
If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.
need a new bf mines broken 😐
Did you hear about the latest James Bond movie where he procrastinates about coloring his hair?
It’s called Dye Another Day
Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
Me: Has anyone ever told you, you have the softest brown eyes?
Her: No. Besides, my eyes are blue.
Me: No wonder nobody’s ever told you…
this is the best day of my life
they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
[At dinner with wife’s friends]
Me: may I chime in
Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-
*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*
Every marriage has one person who is good at putting laundry away and one person who puts my black tights in a kitchen drawer with the dish towels.
[peeing behind a tree]
bonsai artist: I have restrooms
I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.