How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?
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Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!
Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.
I had to use my 12 year old son’s AXE bodywash this morning because we were out of soap and when I got to work my boss took one whiff and asked if I rode my skateboard.
why aren’t GMOs called faking an organism
Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.
That feeling when he says you look angelic but you don’t know if he means you look really pretty or if you have an abnormally high number of eyeballs.
My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese
My husband fills the Halloween candy bowl early, expecting I’ll have no willpower and eat it all within 4 days, but joke’s on him this year: I haven’t touched it, I keep 2 bags of candy in my night stand.
wish i loved anything as much as my hoodie sleeve loves water.
Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it
Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog
Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?
America: You drive for four hours. You are still in the same part of the country.
UK: You drive for two hours. The local accent has changed twice. Bread rolls have a new name.
🤦🏻♀️😂😂
We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made
If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
Dua Lipa is a fantastic singer AND Mario’s advice to Luigi when he wants to get on a slightly higher platform
I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.
Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.
“When I was your age, I already owned a house”
wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years
Was my family happy about the new “no phones at the dinner table” rule? No. But did we have some great conversations as a result? Also no.
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
[working in garage]
“Hand me a screwdriver, son”
A flat one?
“No”
[mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go
Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?
Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
Best vacation spots:
1. My Bed
2. My Couch
3. That corner spot at the bar
4. Air ducts at work
A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.