I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don’t like whisky.
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“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”
We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’
For the record I support all forms of pizza. Deep dish, thin crust, large folded, all good. Delivery? Yes. Home made? You bet. A man covering himself with sauce and cheese and standing outside my window singing Air Supply? It’s a yes from me, pal.
the world’s most popular steaming services
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.
When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan
I don’t know why HR tell me I’m not allowed to use the fire extinguisher unless there’s a fire, then get cranky when I start one.
apparently this year was written by stephen king
A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.
him: I love animals, especially dogs
me: *I could really like him*
him: birds too
me: *he’s dead to me*
Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children
I’ve already had 3 people ask if I have enough wine to last me through the hurricane. Beginning to think I may have a reputation.
Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.
When I was in court I heard a Magistrate singing some Ed Sheeran, so I hired him for my Wedding.
But at the ceremony he did his own material and was terrible.
Which goes to show, you should never Book a Judge by his Covers.
Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose
Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably
we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?
*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS
Wth?
*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer
The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.
The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.
BAILIFF: Please state your name for the courtroom.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doo.
BAILIFF: Your FULL name.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doobie Doo.
@Shot_Of_Cabo @funTweeters That is how my father ended up being the only one cleaning the house. My mother hasn’t cleaned a thing in 40 years.
Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.
Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.
My 2 year old asked me for potato and kept getting mad at me when I gave her potatoes to eat.
It took a good 20 minute meltdown before I figured out that she calls play-doh potato.
Learning a new language has been hard for both of us.
My safe word is now just a dry cough.
Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.