“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.
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Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.
Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep
When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
“And the award for Most British Name goes to…”
*Benedict Cumberbatch takes a sip of gin with his eyes closed*
“Helena Bonha-”
*spews*
Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.
Supposed to leave for vacation in 5 minutes. Somehow, the clothes I need to pack that I threw in the washer an hour ago, aren’t ready.
Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password
You’re welcome
Dad: There’s no use crying over spilled milk son.
Me: But dad it was tequila!
Dad: What!? *cries immensely*
I can’t stand fake people.
Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.
Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.
everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful
I came back from the grocery store with a bag of fresh vegetables and when my wife asked what I’d bought I said it was a bag full of good intentions
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.
Why are top brands getting more attention while your unique, innovative ideas stay underrated? Here is some #ThursdayAdwisdom. The truth is that you may be missing out on one of the most fundamental rules of selling – grabbing consumer’s interest. #digitalmarketing
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
Me to my kids: Omg, why does it matter whether you have the red or purple cup?
Also me: *has favorite clear, glass water drinking glasses, and only eats with the small spoons*
All food is good if you spell it wrong
Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.
*reading a children’s book*
That’s preposterous. A duck can’t perform brain surgery. They would quack under the pressure.
*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY
lost boys: how’d the prank on captain hook go?
peter pan: oh you guys are gonna love this HAHA I cut off his hand LOL and i FED IT TO THE CROCODILE 🙂
lost boys:
peter pan: so funny
lost boys: you’re a sociopath
Them: Your children will go from toddler to college grad in the blink of an eye.
Me: *stops blinking entirely to avoid paying for their college*
Eggs benadryl my favourite
Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name
Always…
Me: “Gee Thanks for spilling Cheerios all over the floor.”
3yo: “You’re welcome Mom, look at this!”*scatters more on floor
I deserve that.