good prank: sneak into someone’s house every night over a year and replace thier toilet with a slightly larger one until it fills tthe room
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Them: Can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *bursts into flames*
I joined my 5yo in Roblox and after she was done giving my avatar a tour of her house, she followed my avatar into the bathroom because she didn’t want it to be lonely. Apparently no version of me gets privacy in the bathroom.
I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
Hot tip: If you’re going to wipe your hands on your clothes, wipe them on the INSIDE of your pants, where stains don’t matter. Anyway, officer, that’s why my hands were down my pants while eating these delicious ribs.
Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident
Me: say no more
[Later]
Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet
[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*
Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?
Me: She’s my current wife.
Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.
Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.
A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
[Oreo meeting]
What about ‘sextuple stuffed’
“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”
[later googling Sextuple]
“Omg that’s genius”
*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection
Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.
My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”
Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.
One time I went on a date with a women’s basketball coach and he told me that women’s basketball is so much more about the fundamentals, and I have no idea what that means, but I say it every time I watch women’s basketball with other people and all the guys nod in agreement.
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
I wish there were glasses to protect me from all your blurry eclipse pics.
Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.
The first thing I’m going to do when I’m rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.
I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
Me: hello, police? I think I’m living with a murderer! Last night, she came home with a body… Crap! She just came in.
Cat: *meow*
What kind of doctor are you?
-Apathologist
A… pathologist?
-No, apathologist. People come to me when they need medical don’t care.
Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.
*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous
Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions
“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MARK.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*