Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…
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what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
I’m 50. All celebrity news looks like this:
‘CURTAINS FOR ZOOSHA? K-SMOG AND BATBOY CAUGHT FLIPPING A GRUNT’
Him: I got a 69 on my test
Me: Nice
Him: I bet you don’t even know why people say that
Me: *hoping it’s because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers* because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers
Him: Lucky guess
imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
shout out to fantasy authors who give all their characters weird names except for, like, two who just have normal-ass names
it owns extremely to see The Eternal Zablaxas and Hellcleaver the Wicked turn to the protagonist and say “what do YOU think we should do, Dave?”
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds
[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great
People who tweet about politics should have to pass a small test: if i say “Oh, look, a dead bird,” and you look UP, we take your phone away
New neighbor: Hi. It’s nice to meet you.
Me: It’s nice to meet you too. This is my daughter, 9
Neighbor: What’s your Twitter @
Me: DAMMIT
Priest: Body of Christ..
Gordon Ramsay: Dry.
My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .
It’s easy to make friends as an adult, you just go up to someone you think looks normal & ask them if they’d like to go pick out matching butterfly knives with you, it works for dating & job interviews, too
*a conspiracy theorist on the titanic talking to other passengers as the ship slips into the ocean*
oh, you think an iceberg caused this? frozen water cannot penetrate a steel hull. it’s impossible. you need to wake up. this is a controlled sinking…
Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.
584.
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.
Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.
Wife: You won’t believe what Diane did at work today
Me: (thinking, “I don’t care”)
Wife: I heard that
[speed dating]
Him: have you ever been married?
Me: just once… we had a beautiful ceremony in my parents yard with all my Barbie dolls in attendance but an hour later he went back to live with his mom
Him: lol aww you were 5?
Me: don’t be ridiculous *sips drink* I was 30
Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.
New mom looking at a photo of their newborn: Isn’t my baby the most beautiful creature ever to exist?!
Same mom looking at same photo a decade later: Why didn’t anyone tell me my baby looked like gollum?!
[speed dating session]
Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.
Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*
Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*
My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.
It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree
.. do you even science?