If you love something, set it free…
Except if ‘It’ is a man.
Because he’ll get lost,
and won’t ask for directions.
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Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.
If my girl didn’t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn’t have said she bought it “for me.”
Women are confusing.
You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it’s for her is to eat it. Apparently
life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: Did you read the class description wrong?
Me: No, why do you ask?
The parrot on my shoulder: No, why do you ask?
Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as “Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang.”
ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh?
JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?
If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?
My dad is at it again
It appears that children’s bladders get smaller as is gets darker outside.
This scientific hypothesis has been proven by my 7 year old coming out of the bedroom to pee five times in the last hour.
*Googles Yahoo*
Google: Wow. I’m right here
Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.
Almost forgot…😂😂😂😂😂
Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt
Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?
Mugger: no
Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(
Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement
“So you met the victim on tinder”
Yes
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
Me ( handing a student a work packet mom requested): So where are you going next week?
6yo: Mario World
Me: Oh, I’ve never been there before.
6yo: Yeah, but we don’t have room in the car.
Then:
Me: I want McDonald’sMom: Do you have McDonald’s money?
Now:
Mom: I want grandkidsMe: Do you have grandkids money??
I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.
“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”