Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.
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I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.
“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”
9: (watching YouTuber play old school Mario)
Me: That’s the game I used to play when I was a kid.
9: You were alive back then?
Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”
Love you Dad
I was a far more confident parent when I didn’t have any kids.
Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. “6 fell down today”. Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: “33 is drunk again”.
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
*holds pen ready*
“How many zeros in one million?”
“Six”
“Ok, thanks”
*writes milli000000n*
Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.
[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa
YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
Deathbed confession
Me: We’re bankrupt
Him: What? How?
Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time
These 3D printers are insane!
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: You can find me in da club shawty
Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?
Me: Yes
dad: where do you think you’re going
me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?
Kid: Everything poops?
Me: Kinda
K: Trees don’t poop
M: Trees produce waste, which in their case is oxygen
K: So we’re breathing tree poop?
M:
K:
M: Don’t you have XBox to play or something?
every raccoon you see is currently on parole
I love you to the refrigerator and back
I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”
You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that