I just called one ex a calculator and another a potential murder victim so if you’re looking for metaphors, I’m probably the grapefruit.
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We paid off the car and suddenly the bank doesn’t call or write anymore. It’s like the last 4 years meant nothing.
11-year-old: Can I join the swim team? You won’t have to do anything for it.
Me: Who’s going to get your to and from all the practices and meets and pay for everything?
11: Other than that.
Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.
Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?
[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger
When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?
ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon
Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.
[on an airplane]
Me: Is the pilot any good?
Flight attendant: One of the best
Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
God: you’re a roly poly bug.
Roly Poly: what does that mean?
God: you roll up in a ball and kind of poly around.
Roly Poly: I’m sorry what?
God: you roll up in a ball [grabs knees and curls up in a ball].
Roly Poly:
God: [rolls around on the floor] and poly around.
Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂
me: nah it’s ok—
facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂
me: [tearing up] th-thanks
therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?therapist:
No.me:
….Knives?therapist:
Forget I asked.
I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.
I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.
I’ve had him about an hour now.
Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.
Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”
the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations
[first time hunting]
friend: I’m out of shells do you have any
me: *choking on pistachio* a few
Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.
You guys, I checked. Wolves can’t blow houses down, even if they are just made of straw and sticks. It’s all anti-wolf propaganda started by Big Pork
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game
My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks
Pediatricians should write complementary prescriptions for parents so that when we inevitably wake up with the same thing as our child we can be more prepared.