Me: I’m a strong, capable woman who can manage a little road trip by myself
Also me: *scream crying to my GPS* Why are there horses everywhere?! This was supposed to be a highway!
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my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*
my dad: lol nerd
[Court]
Me: My tweets go through a rigorous review process
Judge: Are they reviewed by other idiots?
M: *lips on mic* irrelevant, your honor
This could have been an email.
— me, while attending a wedding ceremony
Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.
date: so what do you do on the weekends.
me: mostly pet my cat.
date: oh your bio said you were a risk taker.
me: um yeah have you ever pet a cat.
CW: what did you do to your hair today?
Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.
What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.
*in the car*
dog: where we going?
me: to the neuter clinic
dog: neuter clinic? you’re nuts!
me: no. your nuts
Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first
Him: this is an automatic
Me: my house my rules
Things are finally coming to a head.
~inspirational zit
Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER
This headline is a thing of beauty
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a biter” and see how it goes.
I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.
*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?
Friend: I’m not trying to butt heads with you, but…
Me: *dons helmet, tightens chin strap, braces for impact* BRING IT!
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available
[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?
Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten
Anyway, thought of you
So I recently learned that that plastic thing you pull off the top of the Pringles can can be put back on so it’s like you never opened it.
Still not sure why you would need this though.
Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
at my physical this week the male nurse was going through my history & asking if I still take xy&z meds and he goes “do you still take IUD?” I stared at him for a sec and said “it’s still…in me…yes.” he goes “oh it’s an implant, ok.” sir you are a NURSE 😭
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
Some people wake up to ” I love you” texts and some of us wake up to
” Battery full. Remove charger”.
🤷♂️😆🤷♂️😆
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH