Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.
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Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.
The twelve days of Christmas be like:
Days 1-4: Birds
Day 5: FINALLY, A DECENT GIFT
Days 6-7: oh… more birds
Days 8-12: Slavery(?)
My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.
i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands
him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that
me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses
Me as a kid: I’m going out in the woods. I’ll be back in 8 hours
My parents: Cool
My kid now: I’m going to a public park with my friend. I’ll be back in an hour, and will have my phone with me
Me: I don’t know – that sounds dangerous.
I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.
*loses one contact on way to gym, gets there to find my membership has expired*
Me: [one eye blinking uncontrollably] I guess I’ll come back after I renew.
Manager: *winking back* This workout is on me.
A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home
Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.
Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?
Me: Get?
I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.
If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games
me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.
I told the 8 year old that Taylor Swift is apparently dating a football player and she goes “oh man, she’s gonna write a breakup song about how he was just playing games”
Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”
I gave up going to work for lent.
Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.
Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.
My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.
I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
Dreams at each age:
15: one day I’ll find great love.
20: one day I’ll become a great person.
25: one day I’ll make the world great.
35: one day I’ll throw out all my Tupperware at once, and buy a bunch of different sizes but all with the same lid.
DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?
ME: Mostly cholesterol.
Tonight I yelled, “YOU ARE NOT A ZOMBIE. YOU ARE DOING HOMEWORK,” so everything’s pretty normal here.
Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.
Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines
If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.