Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”
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My husband called and said he wants tacos for dinner. We’ve been together for 30 years and I still can’t tell whether or not it’s a euphemism.
Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped
Yoghurt.
She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.
Her: There鈥檚 a spider on the bathroom floor!
Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That鈥檚 a foot. Make it land on the spider.
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
THEN WHY IS HE WEARING A BOWTIE? I WANT TO GIVE HIM SPAGHETTI
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: 鈥淲hat on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800掳, why is my car still dirty?
Can you even call yourself a family if you鈥檙e not making at least one person upset with what you鈥檙e serving for dinner?
I鈥檓 married, so I recorded the last time I had sex 4 years ago, I鈥檒l open the windows at 3 am and play it to impress the neighbors.
My kid: you took my KitKat, didn鈥檛 you?
Me:
Me: I am shocked!
My kid: are you shocked because you took my KitKat or are you shocked because I could figure it out?
the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there
Asked 4 how pre school was and she said Jake did a bad thing and made Freya cry and when I asked 4 what Jake did she said she couldn鈥檛 remember and went to play with her Barbie and now I鈥檓 expected to just carry on my life not knowing what went down between Jake & Freya
[Therapist appt.]
Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.
*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 馃槀 馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槀
True dat! 馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槀
8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 馃槀
kid: mom, have you seen my bag of candy?
mom: i ate it
kid: what?! mom i walked 7 blocks for that
mom: *glaring* i was in labor for day and a half when i had you
kid: oh god no i-
mom: *stepping closer* i pooped on the doctor鈥檚 hand
How to beat depression:
1) Talk to someone
2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.
I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.
“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”
Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!
If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.
If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit
[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”
I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they鈥檒l always have my heart.
officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*
Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.
4-year-old: *sees a kid in the store* She goes to my daycare! She鈥檚 my best friend in the world!
Me: What鈥檚 her name?
4: I don鈥檛 remember.