the only other single person at this wedding is my nephew fml
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My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night
“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
My superpower is scattering dogs by singing at them.
starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.
My spirit animal is this 9 yo, so calm and polite during girl sleepover drama, who just told me “literally, nothing is interesting to me”.
Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.
how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes
due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.
When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
*checks real estate listings on other planets*
Inventor of fridge door ice cube dispenser: Let’s consistently surprise them with an extra ice cube that randomly shoots out after they are done filling their glass.
*Awkward missed high fives around boardroom table*
A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”
[santa gently waking me] you live like this?
Eat a spoonful of garlic powder before you whisper all the sweet nothings in your spouses ear.
Follow me for more relationship advice.
wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*
Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.
Peter: *harpoons a guy*
Jesus: Too literal, bro.
Every time I see people kiss goodbye as they get out of a car, I think how lucky I am that I didn’t get that Uber driver.
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
The room goes silent as I demurely sing the first lines of “On My Own.” I take a deep breath before clutching the hand of the person standing in the next urinal.
me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat
ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home
I was going through a stack of yearbooks yesterday when I saw I was voted “Most Likely to Steal all These Damn Yearbooks”.
There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours
Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
I know my car needs a wash and valet, but with 3 kids still at home I figure I may as well wait until the youngest moves out. She’s 7.
Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?
—God, creating toddlers