I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.
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Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.
“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
Oh, you fell in love?!
I fell in my bathtub.
I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.
*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what
[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
Others: if you want your house to smell like xmas take a pot of water & add sliced oranges,cinnamon sticks, vanilla, peppercorns, cranberries, forage for 3 pine branches and simmer all day
Me: lights xmas candle
My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
Welcome to parenthood. Your refrigerator is now a graveyard of your kids’ half-finished drinks.
I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.
PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship
doctor: do you have 3 regular meals or 5 small meals a day?
me: I eat every 30 minutes to ensure nobody can ever make me swim
Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible
Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job
Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:
cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws
ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days
Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.
I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.
When I texted my dad I wanted to be a barrister he was so proud.
Years later I achieved my dream, and as I make him an Mini Java Chip Frappuccino it turns out I can’t spell and he isn’t proud.
Good foods can release dopamine which the brain can interpret as attraction and totally unrelated I made you some chicken parm & fried risotto balls & crispy grilled potatoes & baked you this cake. And an apple pie & cookies and I baked you a loaf of bread for no reason at all
[spelling bee]
Your word is “pneumonia”.
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course, you can use any word in a sentence. No more hints.
roman: how will we know which one is jesus
judas: imma kiss him
roman: why
judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right
draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers