Peanuts are legumes
Cocoa is a fruit
Sugar is a beetConclusion: Snickers is a salad
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I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky
Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.
First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
I showed my students that I can say my ABCs backwards and a student shouted “SHE’S A WITCH!” and then I unzipped my jacket and revealed my Hocus Pocus shirt and they all screamed and the universe has never aligned like this for me
Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?
My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I’m always seeing double. It’s a nightmare!
Optometrist: Ma’am you have identical twins…
“Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair!”
*A long strand of smelly hair falls out the tower*
“Screw this!”
Detective: ok forensics is finished. I’ll start here and you-
Dog cop: I’ll mark our territory
[dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]
“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”
Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.
When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.
3 yr old: I love lemonade, I’m so excited, I’ve never tried it
-the mind of a toddler is a mysterious place
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.
Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.
7: What can I have for lunch?
Me: A sandwich.
7: But I want something cooked.
Me: Apparently you are in the wrong house.
Me: I’m having a bad day!
Brain: You should buy those $300 headphones so you feel better.
Me: You’re making a lot of sense right now.
what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?
News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
My Sister: My baby doesn’t sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!
Me: Unfortunately, some babies don’t read those books.
[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me
I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.
My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy
2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’
Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.
Another perk of being a music teacher…
me:
Game of Thrones fan: man i just got out of a meeting that was a TOTAL Red Wedding. I thought heads were gonna roll like Ned Starks haha. Oh dont i owe you from lunch the other day? A Lannister always pays his debts! Anyway better bundle up out there, winter is coming LOL!!
My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.